Vivre et Espirer

one day at a time

i’m not very social. and i don’t talk very much. at least to other people. i dunno how that sounds to you but whatevs.

but that doesn’t mean i don’t have anything to say. or that i’m not trying to say anything.

which is far from the point.

what i’m trying to say is that, i need to start writing again. so i can start talking again.

Advertisements

candy bars

i start sounding really depressed and sad whenever i try to write! hence the blog name.

well. that and i’ve already devoured three candy bars. and it’s making me antsy *facial spasm* because i’m supposed to be on a D.I.E.T.

it’s funny how you try to put yourself out there and help others. but then they do something horrible and literally take.your.money. and you don’t know what to do about it because how do you treat someone who repeatedly takes advantage of you and rubs it in your face? 

very sad. 

i’ve been kind of been on depressed-mode lately. because of girly things. and my sister coming in for a too-short (one day!) visit from manila. both sisters were gone too soon and i guess it kind of hit me that i’ve been pretty lonely the past few days. 

which is why i’m trying to look at things in a lighter note. consciously choosing to stare at the brighter side of things. 

it’s funny how we let some bad things get in the way of us being happy! 

a church mate’s mom just got told her cancer has spread to her brain. every second, people are dying of cancer or some horrible disease. someone just lost an important person in their lives. someone just lost everything.

and here i am worrying about my happiness and money that was stolen.

i feel really small in this big world sometimes. 

 

on reactions

I’ve stopped writing. It’s been a really long time already since I felt good about something I’d written. I only write when I feel sad or angry. I guess in a way, I ended up not writing anymore because of that. It’s like I only ever really write about negative things. Until I got good at “ignoring” those kinds of feelings, until I didn’t write about them anymore or anything else for that matter. I didn’t realize I kind of lost my only outlet. And kept all these pent up feelings and that’s where I found myself today.

There are days I want to scream. Because I’m happy. Really. Other times because I’m not. But that’s okay. I’ve come to realize that it’s okay to be angry and sad as long as they aren’t things you’ll hold on to forever and you don’t allow them to destroy your relationships. Like what Mitchelle from that TV show, Modern Family, “I just need to have my reaction.” We all need to have our reaction. And then we need to get over it.  Another thing is, if we didn’t get to feel angry and sad, we wouldn’t quite appreciate it when we feel good and happy, wouldn’t we? 🙂

In life, good and bad things will happen. It’s inevitable. No amount of  trying, studying, controlling, screaming, kicking, fighting, pulling, pushing will ever change that. We’re not in control of the world. God is. Although we can control how we react to certain things, how we rise above the ashes, how we see people, and our outlook in life among other things. But we aren’t in control over a lot of things, mostly the things that matter. And it’s important to accept that, earlier now that later on. What matters is that we learn to let go of the bad and hold the good, clench-fist and all stubborn-like. Either way, we have to learn from whatever life throws at us.

I haven’t gotten it all figured out yet. I believe I’m a work in progress, after all. I don’t anybody should stop trying to learn or get something out of life. We’re supposed to live our lives out, aren’t we, anyway? It’s meant to be lived to the fullest.

God wouldn’t have made such a madly beautiful place if we weren’t wired to appreciate it. And He wouldn’t have even made us according to His image if we weren’t so special.

on infallibility

today was unlike most days. because i gave in to feeling sad. i guess it’s time for me to say this out loud now. 

i think i may have acute depression. not like it’s a real disease or anything. or is it? there are some days when i’m feeling good and fine and some days where i.just.don’t.want.to.feel. 

maybe it’s a normal cycle. maybe everyone feels like this sometimes somehow at some point in their lives. others don’t really notice it. and some people do, more than the usual. 

i don’t normally take time off just to dwell on feeling like this. but today, i don’t know. i just feel too weak to try to push through it. i guess i’ve been feeling tired the past few days; it’s true then, that when we’re physically weak we really have a tendency to feel emotionally and spiritually drained too. 

despite looking for emotional outlets or trying to get your fill of God’s Word, when your physical body is worse for wear, damage is done still. 

but God said, “My grace is enough for you because even in your weakness, My power that remains in You is perfect” (2 Cor. 12:9-10). so even though we have weaknesses, the inevitability of us failing, stumbling, growing tired and weary, we need not fear or lose hope because God’s power is in us. we get our strength in dark and hard times from God’s infallibility (Isaiah 40:29).

 

on starting over

i’m 23. there are days when i think i’ve got life all figured out. and then some days come and i feel like i don’t know anything. like. nothing. i feel like i’m supposed to have figured out who i want to be by now, to be on “the path” in life where i’m going where i’m supposed to be.. somedays i feel like i am on my way. other times i  realize that i’ve got a long way to go – and sometimes it seems the path i’m on isn’t the path i’m supposed to be on. if you get what i mean.

 

but then God goes and does it all over again. win me back, that is. 

 

one of the greatest things i’ve learned in life is that wherever i go, whatever i’ve done, whoever i become… His love, the greatest love i’ll ever know, will never and has never let me go. i’ve stumbled countless times, done things i regret, said somethings that i wish i could take back. sometimes i feel like the most un-Christian Christian in the world. but that’s the thing. 

it’s not me saving me from myself. if life worked that way, we’d never be able to save ourselves. we’d all be destined for doom. 

but it’s Him. His love. His work. His salvation. His good news. 

Everyday. Today. Forever. 

So i don’t have everything figured out. i might mess up sometimes. 

But with God, there is hope. and there will always be.